I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
