Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
