Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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