I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
