I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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