Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
