I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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