I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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