it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
