i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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