i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
