Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
