dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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