Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
