You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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