wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
