chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
