I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
