So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
