So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
