I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
