I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
