Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
