you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
