I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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