I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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