Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
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You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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