There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
