I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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