why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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