I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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