You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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