I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
