Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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