your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
