I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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