I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
