She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
