4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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