How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
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just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
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