i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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