the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Randomize
