We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My ATM looks so different sober.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
