Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I will be naked everywhere
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
