Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
