what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
