it's too hot outside to masturbate.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
