I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
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