i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Randomize
