now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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