for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
