So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
