i permit you to call me
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.