I faked an abortion last night.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
