Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.