just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?