five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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