Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
When did angry sex become our thing?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
