you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
A+ Viking dick
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
