Please, let me fuck your mom
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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