nutella sex= disaster
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
